Again same drill, Copy and paste this elsewhere and delete it here, thanks!

The Cerddorion is an organization dedicated to the pursuit of knowledge, the growth of the few chosen, and the protection of those that would seek to be free from the oppressive teachings of the mainstream world. The organization “Cerddorion” itself is an umbrella system used in uniting several different factions with varying beliefs and dedications, however they are unified in their goals. These different branches spread all over the continents of the world are united in their pursuit of a knowledge that has been seeded on all parts of the globe. There have been differences and even a history of civil wars masked as best they could, often between two leaders and their immediate circle. These would be little more than two rival families, or an exiling by a prominent church. Live among man, but never become man. That is our charge.
The process of being chosen is a simple underlying awareness. Seekers acting as recruiters when the need for new initiates arises, will go out and comb the area for people with special attributes. To those aware of their gifts, finding others like themselves is a much easier process, and seems to happen merely by coincidence. The truth of the matter is that common energies will attract one another, so this is tested by projecting your energy towards your intended target, if they become aware of the energy and are able to follow it back to the source, this is often recognized by somebody immediately turning and locking stares with you, then they have passed their first test, the calling. This is followed by casual conversations to feel out their personality, then an introduction to the group. If they are brave enough to venture further, then they will be offered the chance to become a student. This will entail a year and a day of learning, indoctrination, and certain social events to introduce them to some of the lower members. The first year is mostly reading, with a few teachings on several different philosophies. This is a time when the students mind has to be broadened, to allow for deeper thought and focus. The common society will program the mind to be close minded to outside beliefs and manners, this has to be changed. The goal is not to program the mind, but to deprogram it, to allow for a more flexible mind that is ready to devour knowledge and to be ready for the first steps on the path of knowledge. Knowledge at this point is merely thought, it is not yet set to application. After the period is complete, the student will be reviewed by the lower council that decides upon who may join their ranks. This process is by no means quick as a unanimous vote must be reached. The student may by no means affect this decision in any way apart from his display of knowledge and dedication to the pursuit of deeper understanding. If chosen, though many are turned away at this point despite the need, the student will then progress to the title of Neofito, where they will learn the basic principles of ritual and application of knowledge. No decision should be made on what dedication they should pursue at this point as it will likely result in failure. The different schools each offer different trials and benefits, they should each be studied carefully before dedicating oneself to a chosen study. The Hermetic principles of the Kybalion will be introduced as a conduit for understanding all future teachings at this point. It is imperative that the Neofito has a firm grasp of these principles as they are the foundation that many future teachings will build upon. The Kybalion is the basis of knowledge for the Neofito. Once the Neofito has proven his grasp of the knowledge required of him, and has proven his dedication to the order, he will be placed under review by the lower council and if the Neofito is found to be complete in his understanding, he then will be granted the title of Zelator. It is imperative that the Zelator learn the languages of the old world which are agreed upon as most efficiently as Latin and Hebrew, along with a study in Egyptian hieroglyphics. From these comes the basis of understanding of all other languages. The Zelator will be responsible for understanding the Liber Logaeth, an occult doctrine explaining the teachings of Al Azif and R’Lyeh. In this the Zelator will gain an understanding of the history of our knowledge, where it comes from and where it will take us. Metaphysics will be the course of study during this time, as well as its application to the prime material plane surrounding us. Should the Zelator complete his studies to the satisfaction of the lower council, the process will again grant him the next title of Practicus. From this point on things will be very different as the lower council will no longer decide your fate, you will achieve your titles in a very different manner. Not only will you be responsible for learning a great deal of knowledge, but you must learn to contribute to this knowledge, to help those under you learn and grow, and to assist those above you in their responsibilities. At this time you will begin to chose a specific school of study to focus on and become a master of in time. This is the most common of times when people either fail under the pressure or go elsewhere and seek to leave our ranks. You will further your understanding of Liber Logaeth and several of the sister doctrines in which were taught supporting theories and applications of the High Arts. You will also study and grasp the forms of martial discipline and mental clarity. From here you will proceed to Philosophus and will challenge the reality of the world around you in thought. You will hone your mental abilities and seek an understanding of the environment you are in and learn to affect it and alter it to your will. From here does the lower council take their entire leave of you as you are awarded the next title, Adeptus Minor. This is all I can tell you as things are very private from that point on. It will take a devout student with much intelligence close to a decade to achieve this place, if at all. The Cerddorion is an idea, a conglomerate of groups that have decided their efforts would yield greater results working together rather than against one another. Not all are so friendly, The Servants of Asuran are one group, and Baikeo are another, both are less willing to work with outsiders, but seek to gain the benefit’s the whole can offer anyway. I am a distant member, more of a splinter that fell off some time ago, about the time I started lying to myself and wanting to be what my “family” wanted me to be. It is hard for children to be successful in this pursuit, which is why so few are ever chosen. It is against their better judgement, and I just showed such charisma I forced my way in. I always had Michelle to stand up for me in some things, but with her gone I will have to make my own way through the channels, there are no favors owed to me.

I know all this will likely answer few questions, and more than likely raise many more. This is the truth of it though. We encourage people to be more than human nature allows them to be. I refuse to settle for decay and seek to grow our minds and spirits at every turn. It was something I had “forgotten” for many years, but I am dedicated again. My purpose is to help others grow and gain, however I do not only look to help the order as most do, I look to help all people, starting with those I love.

Some of the wisdom I learned from them as I have studied the different crafts and rituals is kept in this parable. It is the 2nd concept of our order (kinda like our ten commandments or Deuteronomy).

A powerful Magi once thought to himself of how peculiar it was that only man could speak. He decided to give a voice to the ants, favoring them for their ability to organize and build. At first the ants praised him and obeyed him, but then they started to ask for things too much like sugar and food. Then eventually they stopped building and gathering, they just asked the Magi to provide. What earned us our voice was our ability to organize and build, to work as part of a network. Cerddorion only grow by working with the family to achieve our common goals. The gods give us power as we need power. It is not meant to be wasted on petty affairs. This is the 2nd concept of our order, to build our own future and use the gods’ power only when sanctioned.

Yeah, there is a powerful lesson that for me, oh also the ants were smashed in case you were wondering, I just don’t really add that most of the time. Sounds too vindictive for most people.

Response to your request for inspiration, this is not yet copyrighted, so please please copy and paste it elsewhere and delete it here. thanks!

I would love to help you with ideas. I assume I will be compensated for my time? Jk, I would love to help. I have a few ideas that I won’t be using in novels anytime soon, and perhaps if I do, I can hit you up for some artistry work if you have not already sold them. What exactly are you looking for? I have an idea I can map out plot points quickly for now.

Main character is Zain (it’s a play off of the latin word for seven Zayen, which is my direct “squad” in my brotherhood, Zayen Astrum) he is your not so average run of the mill washed up detective turned private eye. He has a knack for uncovering unsavory types everywhere he goes. He always struggles with his “urpose” he wants to leave the “cop’s life” behind but his gut and sense of duty won’t let him. He had a failed marriage but still loves her, even though she despises him. He is a loner in every sense of the word except for his old partner, who is a sexually frustrated female who is a girl with a grudge against the world, she is still on the force but her loyalty to the department always comes into question. She is Zain’s eyes on the inside, and she always comes to him with the tough cases, or the ones that the law can’t tackle because of “olitics”.

The mesopolitan area that he lives in is an overpopulated multi-tiered oasis overrun with alleyways and plenty of dark corners for conspiracies to breed. I haven’t thought of a good name for the city, but the surrounding area is called the Outlands, an area of lawlessness and small towns where martial law is the last respected branch of government. Commute in and out of the city is restricted by the Prodigy, an electronically efficient form of government that rules most every aspect of life in the City.

The world is mostly populated by humans, which make up most of the middle and a slight percentage of upper class. Humans however are versatile and are born to individual lots in life based on the savings and accomplishments of their lineage, so they make up all classes, upper/lower/middle. Dwarves tend to drift more to the lower class, preferring hard labor and engineering work, they dominate the lower class. Elven society is lush and vibrant, preferring the wealths of knowledge and governance, they make up the upper class. The outlands is almost completely human with the normal exceptions, but elves are a close knit society, sticking to themselves first on all things. The humans are the only cohesion between elves and dwarves. The dwarves society is known as the Union, a labor conscientious agreement that looks out for themselves in governance. The humans mostly fall in between the cracks, not really forming any specific group, but the one most noted is the Syndicate, a corporate minded branch that uses wealth as a means to power, they run many of the police squads, which is why “olitics” enter the picture before justice. The Elven society is known as the Haven. All together the Coven is formed, an agreement between the races that allow a mutually beneficial coexistence for all.

I envisioned the city with tall pillars (buildings though, like a broader version of the twin towers) holding up the higher tiers, I envisioned 3 tiers, the highest being green, the Shangri la of the three. It is mostly enclosed, to provide protection and restricted access on the lower level. Top tier has courtyards, futuristic buildings and the pinnacle buildings that look like the tower of americas but more bubble like, kinda like that building in Seattle. Looping highways that have guarded toll booths leading to higher and lower tiers.

Plot points
Introduce Zain, his partner, him helping her with a murder case. The law turns their back, Zain goes in later by himself. Finds the mob leaders playing cards in a guarded safe house. He sneaks in and takes care of business with what ends in a gun fight. He contemplates his past life, introducing his ex wife in a vivid memory.
Attractive woman comes to him with a plea for help, he after listening to her rambling (she is in shock) dismisses her as insane, before leaving she makes him accept a disk with what she says is the reason they are after her. He doesn’t recognize the technology and assumes it is foreign, when he tries to access it, it is empty. He later finds out from his partner that a woman matching her description was murdered in an alley way and mugged, he sees for himself and discovers it was her. It doesn’t dismiss it as coincidence and tries to find out more about the disk. He searches the underworld for somebody with knowledge about the disk, this attracts attention.

He runs along a path plagued by mysterious strangers trying to gun him down in the streets, police chief tells him personally to forget about it, but the chief seems afraid, but wont say anything. Zain obsesses over it more.
He meets an elderly dwarf who runs a little weapon smuggling operation, the dwarf’s catch line is “You can’t trust government, especially not this one”. The dwarf is able to tell him he knows a guy who was working on something like this, able to keep some kind of special data on this, something no other computer can do. Says he thinks it is Elven technology, blends magic with science, he says magic is a dangerous abomination, makes people weak, like elves. He is obviously disdainful to both magic and elves. He does not know anymore but points him in the direction of a man, an old friend, who worked on theories like this, but the guy is a crackpot, works on all kinds of hoodoo junk. The man is in the outlands.

Zain gets rejected at the border, he can’t leave, people all around him are migrating back and forth, but he is rejected and told his visa is expired. He knows it is a lie and on the way back he notices he is being followed, this leads to a car chase and evasion in which he eventually crashes. The pursuers approach him and search for the disk, but don’t find anything. They are told he had better have the disk on him next time or else. He awakes in the hospital to find he is under guard and not allowed to leave his room, so he sneaks out the window, several stories up. This far up the wind is a torrent if not protected by the city’s wind barriers, there are none at this point. He makes it down with some dramatic excitement, steals a car and contacts his partner to bring him a pair of clothes and some money. The partner is acting strange over the phone, she is being watched, but by code is able to tell him to meet her at a point where she will slip him some cash. They meet in a market, Zain managed to grab a trench coat out of a dumpster, but is wearing only a hospital gown underneath. He explains everything, she says she will hang back and see what she can do within the force, try to dig something up. He plans to go to the outlands to meet this man.

He sneaks out of the city through an old contact in the underworld, a man who smuggles immigrants and gives them identities, visas, and fake chips to fool the security scanners.
He arrives at the city to find it desolate, no buildings are damaged, no signs of battle, no tracks out of the city to suggest a mass exodus, just a total absence of all life. To enter a narrators note, one that of course would be brought up by the old dwarf earlier in the story, he lived through an earlier time, when a great war was waged between the dwarves and the elves, the humans took neutral ground and a lot of contempt was held against them for their indifference. The war was brought to a stalemate when the elves created a weapon of mass destruction that would wipe out all life in a great area, the dwarves under pressure then created a “nuke” to even the score, however they were always conflicted in using it, realizing the damage it would yield. The elves held no reservations. Back to the current, Zain searches the city and finds the workshop that belonged to the man. In it he finds a cache of video records of his work, and a slot attached to a terminal that matches the disk he is carrying. He inserts the disk, watches it briefly as it just flashes a bunch of images that almost seem to come alive and speak to him, but is interrupted by a ticking sound coming from the corner of the room. At first he thought it was just one of the scientist’s machines, upon closer examination, he discovers it to be one of the Dwarven bombs. He grabs what documents he could find and makes a quick escape. On his escape the blast occurs and decimates the city, destroying all evidence of what really occurred.

Problems occur in the City, as the dwarves are blamed for what happened. Zain is laying low but still following what leads he has, he watches the videos of what just shows the scientist falling into a spiral of insanity, speaking of a great being calling to him from beyond, and he found the source. He studies it at first, then worships it, then warns against it, speaking of an invasion and the old enemies returning. He claims a conspiracy leading to the highest members of the Haven (the elven council).

Zain has little proof other than the mad ramblings of an insane scientist, and the disk, but no way to use it. He tries to convince to the police chief but is met with a lot of resistance, a lot of denial, and is eventually escorted out, and then sentenced to a mental institution. He knocks out his escort and escapes. He decides to make things on his own.

Shorten the story, he barges in on the council, tries to put the blame on the highest of the council, but is thrown out. On his way out, he is approached by a slim elf with odd features, he is a member of the council, but not on the 3 seats (the highest), but his voice is heard on council. He says he believes him and wants to help, he invites him over. Zain shows, talks to the guy, tells him everything that has happened. The elf says it is heavy allegations, but supports the theories of treason that he has suspected of the high council for some time now. He says if he is going to help him, he needs more, he says to bring everything. All documents, videos and the disk. He says he has a means to access it, that it is technology reserved only for the most privileged of elves, and he owns it. Zain does just that and in their next meeting they access the disk together. Zain notices a strange change in manner about the elf, but decides to venture further regardless. The same images flash across the giant monitor and the same sense of a living entity radiates from the screen, then the thoughts come, then an actual voice as a woman’s figure hovers down from the screen itself. She is comely but draped in shadows, and her facial features are hidden by darkness. She is naked but shows no shame, but instead radiates an intense ominous power. Zain is terrified and startled by the event but the elf seems unfettered by it and responds to the entity, my dark queen, I have finally found you again. I have made the preparations on my end, I hope the horde is ready to invade soon. She responds, the first wave is in place and ready at your word. Elf responds, all the outlying country has been eradicated, no word will reach the Citadel until your forces are outside their gates in mass. Zain is at a loss for words but interrupts demanding to know what is going on, what is that thing, and what are you talking about, what invasion? Who are you? The elf looks at him and grins, his features melting away as his skin blackens and his true face is revealed. He was a Dark elf all along, the Golgothans, the ancient enemy of the elves, and ultimately all the surface world. They aligned themselves with all manner of evil creatures, trolls, giants, ogres, orcs, goblins. Anything nasty that they could rule with force or dark diplomacy. Zain tries to run, but two orcs come out of the doorway, blocking his escape and wielding spiked clubs of brutish and painful design. The elf says, orcs, disgusting simple minded creatures, but they do have their uses. The orcs advance lifting their weapons to silence him forever, but as the elf laughs maliciously Zain makes a desperate leap through a glass window, throwing himself out into the sky.

He manages to get caught up on a beam used for satellite relay, a long cable is running from it to a lower building, but the wind is vicious and making any attempt to hang on a fight for life. He climbs down the cable to the other building and escapes. He goes to the council of the elves, but he notices several elves walking around almost like sentries, ones that weren’t there before. They all seem so out of place and have daggers hidden under their tunics. A weapon of silence would not be used unless their intent was malicious, the guards used guns commonly enough, it just seemed more practical. He decides to go to the dwarves council instead, the Union, which is mostly found on the first tier, wanting to be among their own people. His aquantice, the old dwarf is there surprisingly, to which he finds out is a member of the council, being a decorated war hero himself. Zain is told that the dwarves knew something was going on because everyone of their bombs on record was accounted for, and yet so many of the outland civilizations were destroyed by them. The dwarves knew conspiracy was afoot, and the information Zain gave them confirmed their fears.

The dwarves call a summons to all men, dwarves, and elves, they fight in council meetings that an invasion is about to occur, one from the oldest of enemies. The Golgothans, and the disk referred to the forgotten ones, an enemy so powerful and old, that it was lead to be only myth. The council fought, and the elves seemed so hesitant to agree to any more discussion of the matter. Zain, as is his nature, noticed the difference in manner from the Elven council, he personally believed them to have been replaced with these shape shifting elves. The Dwarves eventually say damn the council, and damn all who stand in their way, they will go out alone if they have to and meet the enemy in battle. The elves accuse them of just trying to cause havoc so that they can usurp control for themselves, and put the accusations of the nukes on them. In the end of the heated debate, the elven council declares the Dwarven council traitors and terrorist and demand their apprehension, and put a law forth that if anybody attempts to leave the city, they will be branded traitors and not allowed back in. The dwarves tell them to shove their pointy noses up their pious elven arses. The dwarves grab smithed weapons of guns, hammers, and all manner of dwarves weaponry, and as a collected group, leave the city. A majority of humans join in as well, but the elves, putting their trust in their own kind, do nothing but stay and hope.

Zain stays close to the old dwarf, who is a general of sorts among his clansmen, and they lead the union to a cache in the mountains full of all manner of war machines. Tanks, artillery, planes, helicopters, and a storage of enough weapons to wage a war. Once armed they head down the path, seeing this as a premeditated invasion, all the decimated outland settlements made a line to the coastlands. They figured this was the invasion point, and they went to work fortifying the area and setting up the weapons.

Skip ahead to the invasion, it starts at night. Everyone is silent, the air scouts reported thousands of boats used for transport, some even enormous. The artillery started first, hoping to sink a few before they touched shore. Nobody knew what was in those boats, but nobody wanted it to make it to land. Cannons roared and the boats kept charging forward, making up for what they lacked in maneuverability by sheer numbers. The first wave landed, the front panels fell forward on the beach with a thunderous clap and the orcs ran out first. Rockets roared from their weapons, machine guns lit up the night with fireflies. The dwarves were in deep though, and even though outnumbered, the defenses were impenetrable. Everything was going well, the only concern was running out of ammo before foes, then as the last orc on the beach took his last breaths, there was a lull as the ships held their panels closed. One large ship looking more like a mountain pierced through the veil of fog and came with a shrieking halt far up on the beach. This door opened more slowly at first but when it hit hard on the ground, it knocked so much sand into the air that is shrouded all sight into the cavern of its hull. Then the monster inside roared and ran to the front line defense. An ogre, a creature so big none had ever even thought it true. It held no guns, only an enormous metal cudgel which it swung effortlessly and uprooted every gun emplacement it touched. Dwarves and humans flew into the air screaming as all hell rained on the ogre, cannons, guns, and the odd grenade as well. All desperation was aimed on that one ogre as two more huge ships landed and a dozen of the smaller ones carrying the orcs. The old dwarven general looked grim but determined. Just as they manage to turn back the tide, killing to ogres and the last wave of orcs, the fog seemed to come alive, and move inward. More importantly was the great shadow moving “in” the fog, ethereal, unreal. No one even noticed the reality of it till it shot forth several shadowed tendrils and dragged many defenders into the sky. The enemy had somehow gotten above them. Helicopters shot missiles and a hail of bullets, but it just passed through the fog catching nothing. The old dwarf for the first time shows fear, and then is dominated by anger. He says ,”Magic, stinking cowards dark magic”. Enraged he runs to a helicopter and orders it up into the fog, the pilot watching the other helicopters being brought down by a shadow is hesitant but in the end grabs the controls and takes the bird in. The old dwarf pulls a great battle axe off of his back and snarls, just as they near the shadow a form of a woman is visible, but she is only darkness. She is suspended in the air amidst the great shadow, the dwarf cries his battlecry and leaps toward her with his axe poised above his head ready to strike. The woman takes notice of him and brings both her arms to point at him as two shadows leapt from her fingers and grab him in mid air and hold him still. The dwarf realizing he is disabled, bring his arms forward in a mighty throw and sends his axe racing towards the woman. It hits her square in the chest and she is sent flailing backwards in the air toward the ground. The tendrils holding the old dwarf fade but the helicopter took a hit by some of the other tendrils before they faded. He falls helplessly to the ground as the helicopter spins out of control and crashes down on top of him. The shadow and the fog fade as one. The ships keep coming, unload their cargo, and leave. The defenders hold their ground, light up the night with fire and cheer as each wave is defeated. One of the council takes Zain aside, tells him he must take a contingent of soldiers, and fly to the council, tell them of what is happening, to make them believe he hands him an orcs head and laughs saying that that ought to ruffle those snub nosed bastard elves. The only thing elves hate more than dwarves, are orcs.

As the battle wages on, Zain along with a few dozen dwarven and human militia flies to the Citadel on several helicopters. Flying vehicles create a problem among the citadel and are often not allowed. The helicopter was a dwarven and human machine, it brought many bombardments to the elves during the war. They will not like these in any case, but them being helicopters of war, they will like even less. Zain only hopes they will be able to land before being shot down.

Upon their arrival they find the city in chaos, Dark Elves, Golgothans have the upper tier locked down and have all entrances to and from the city on lockdown. They have given up on hiding their identity and have taken the upper tier hostage by force, using daggers to eliminate the guards and anyone who could stand in their way. Now they wield rifles of an unfamiliar design. The helicopters take fire upon their arrival but land with out any losses apart from damage to the birds. The soldiers get to work securing the area and trying to take back their city. The rifles of the Golgothans are far superior to theirs, they seem to fire out a magical energy in a blast, but took some time to charge in between shots. This gap was their only window to strike. Zain picks up one of the rifles and uses it to blast open to the doors to the Elven Council. They fight their way to the top, to find a smug looking Golgotha sitting placidly on the throne, the same Golgothan that had deceived him in his house earlier, seemingly unbothered by their entrance and the fighting. When asked where the council is he points up. The bodies of all loyal council members were impaled into the ceiling ( the room will have a stalactite design on the ceiling) and hanging bloody and lifeless. He then moves his hand forward and sends the two soldiers next to Zain flying into the air to be impaled. Zain runs for cover as the other soldiers start firing their rifles, but the lead bullets just seem to ricochet off of the barrier of magic that the Elf had cast around himself. Zain mutters to himself, “I am starting to see why dwarves hate magic”, then turns the corner to open fire but is immediately thrust into the air, before making it halfway to the ceiling he manages to squeeze off two rounds, the first grazing the elf through the barrier, which shocks him and slows Zain’s ascent, the second hitting him and knocking him to the floor with a scream. Zain plummets to the marble floor and hits hard, but manages to get back to his feet as more soldiers enter the room to assist, and report the building is secured and the tier has been taken back. Zain limps over around the crescent table where the Council would sit and govern to find the elf with his skin burned and peeled away like fire and acid had hit him at once. His breathing is fast and erratic and he isn’t smiling anymore. The elf says ,”you, I knew I should have killed you myself, you ruined everything. Oh but it is too late, this is all just the beginning, we were just going to pave the way for what is truly to come. There is nothing any of us could do to stop it. I tried to warn you, to tell you to stop digging, believe me, I was speaking from a lesson learned myself.”. With that, the elf died before Zain could ask him any questions.

A call is put out, for all able bodied people to assist in the repulsion of the invasion. Many come, but Zain hopes it is enough. Elf, human, and what little remained of the dwarven presence all joined together to ride out. The weapons stores of the city were all but depleted, leaving only enough for the Citadel to maintain order and hold off any attack. The City’s defense systems were set to the highest level (the computer system that runs things, Prodigy, yeah it has all kinds of drones and such that fly around, monitor things, and maintain order, but can fight as well). The whole of the Citadel would go to war.

I planned to end the book with the defenders being all but wiped out, with only a few hundred survivors, this DECIMATING the dwarven race, but they did, destroy the invasion fleet. The ships sinking from the artillery, fires and drowning bodies filling the horizon at sea. The beach covered with the bodies of dwarf, human, orc, and ogre so thick, it became the new shore for the waves to lap upon. The survivors tell the tale, bury the dead, and tend the wounded. The day is saved, but Zain remembered what the Golgothan had said, this was only the beginning.

That’s end of book 1.
I hope you like it, be as creative as you want, you owe this plot nothing so don‘t feel limited by anything, and just run as you want or don‘t even use it. I hope this helps get something going for you, good luck. I really only meant to make bullet points, but damn… I got into it… once again it is 5 am.. And im writing. Lol.. Wow, you still bring out my creativity. Hmm. Almost as good as pot. Lol.

I think that should be enough to help you get started, its late and I am tired. Lol.

This was response to that one email, im sure you'll recognize it, sorry yahoo is being lame.
Some reason, yahoo isn’t letting me reply, so I had to attach this to send it.

I wrote you because I needed to grow, and I knew you would always be hindered by a “fear” of me. You and I both needed to lay things to rest, and settle the negativity and heal old wounds, for both our sakes. Your heart would bother you in marriage, and I can’t do what I need to do with wrongs in my past. Yes it is me, remember how I said that I promised I would tell you I loved you one last time before I died? Don’t worry, I don’t plan on dying anytime soon, but nobody but you and I were the only ones there when I said it, nobody knew of that promise. NO, I am not trying to fuck with you, I am not that guy anymore, I am not looking to hang out, go shopping together, I am just a starving kid in Indonesia, you, as a person fascinate me, and I help those I love. Despite all, I have love for you, the same love I have for Zoe, and Candace, and Theresa, and had/still have for Michelle, I help them too, should they need it. It’s a complex of mine, I find people I am drawn to, and help them in little ways. Again, I give my word, I am not manipulating or fucking with you. However, don’t drop your guard, your more intellectual when your guard is raised, lol. You are one of the few intellects in this world that intrigue me. I actually enjoy talking to you. It is like you are a totally different person, we were kids, it’s the past, if you need to work through it to put it behind you, I’ll do what I can, but you should bury it so you can be married happily and live a content life. Dying, just an illusion, take joy in life, don’t let death into your heart. I speak from experience, you will waste a lot of time. Michelle hung herself, this whole army thing was a mistake, I should have been there seeing her as often as I could. I should have offered more strength for her. I was gone, and I failed to keep those I loved strong. I don’t want to make those mistakes again. Actually, I want to help you absolve yourself of any guilt you have from the things you did to me, hell, it hurt,, but I am so happy for it. I got to love somebody, I got to learn a lot of things, good and bad. I learned how to control some of the darker aspects of myself. I learned a lesson in life, and through the ability to relate to people in the same circumstance, I am able to help a lot of people. I am currently offering help to a buddy of mine I met here in my platoon, its an uncanny similarity to “us” back then. It’s “God’s plan” “fate” “destiny”, whatever, but I can offer a hope and insight that most people just tell him to grow a pair, she’s just a bitch. The army isn’t very sensitive to young hearts. He tells me all the time he is glad he met me, that nobody else understands and is able to relate. I have only you to thank for helping him. Who would I be without that pain, I just learned to grow through it within the last two years. I have no use for ego, and quite simply, no offense, I do not want you. I do not want anyone really. I am complete in myself and I have some things in my future that would just be selfish to put another person through. I can’t afford somebody to love me closely right now, or for the near future really. Things haven’t changed, the past is still the same, can’t change it. We CAN however put it in the right light, so it does not affect our futures. Mine will be the same regardless, but I can’t let cancer’s that I created fester and kill something beautiful. I can’t tell you how many lives I have taken. I killed a man when I came upon him trying to rape a close friend of mine, she was only 15, and he was late 30’s. I just reacted to the moment and let something else take control. I regret ending his life, but he had a sickness in him and had raped several other girls. I did not make him suffer, death should never be suffering. It was in the papers a few days later as a suicide in the woods, he “hung” himself. I left and told Anna to report finding the body like that tomorrow. When we were together I do not remember killing anyone, refresh my memory if there is something you are thinking specifically of. At that point in my life, I tried so hard, although hypocritically, to be a man like Christ. It was a lie I was forcing myself into, but I am not a monster. When I saw myself fail in Christ, I labeled myself a monster and felt dark and disturbed for a long time. It’s not like that though. Not being who your father wanted is not evil. Aside from the example above about the promise, something only you and I would know, our first kiss was late on night laying down in your computer room downstairs, looking at each other forever, even in the dark your eyes sparkled, I knew I loved you and I felt you loved me too. We kissed. I remember when I was still in bible college and trying to “adhere to a pious relationship code” we would always talk about taking time apart cause we were not focusing on God enough. Also we would always compare “us” to Amber or Amanda, or whatever her name was, ya know, the one that looked like an ostrich.
Revenge is for the wicked. Besides, I hold my wrath for those that hurt others, not myself. Do as I wish? Hmm, I’ve no genie.

Thanks for turning me on to your art and this web site. Your creations are awesome!

So.

How's the art school? Have you any wondrous new art works with which to wow DA with? Would love to see some of your newer stuff.

--
"Do you think it will work?"
"It would take a miracle."
"Bye, bye boys!"
"Have fun stormin' the castle!"

Thanks so much for the watch!

--
I sense owls in the moss...